Thursday, July 21, 2011

A fit of Rage

So its been a while since my last blog.

The first 4 weeks of my program have been amazing.  I love the kids and I love the program.  The faculty is awesome and I've by hard had the best feeling of family with these teachers than any other site I have been to.

One of my advisees in particular I have grown ridiculously close to.  This kid is EXACTLY the way that I was growing up and in many ways remind me of how I am now.  He is forced to play a tough kid role, but he's such an innocent, young, playful, goofy, funny CHILD.

On to the part that has put me in a fit of RAGE. ASU decided that they would tell me ON TUESDAY that I have to be in class by MONDAY....6 EFFING days later.  Im supposed to be cleared for the next 3 weeks.  First I tell my faculty I have to go home, tears flow.  On to the tough part, yesterday I had to tell my 3 advisees that I have to go.  The two that im not as close to are ok, they are sad, ask a lot of questions, but are generally ok and understand the situation.  My closest advisee, on the other hand, not the same reaction.  I immediately notice in his eyes hes torn up. He shuts down and gets quiet (exactly how I respond).  An hour later a teacher tells me she saw my kid crying.  I was absolutely torn and completely broke down.  I caused a kid who looks up to me and cares so much about me to cry.

At this point I thought the hard part was over, NOPE! It was time to tell the rest of the students as a whole.  I get up in front of all of them and begin to explain that I cant return after friday.  I notice a room full of students crying.  Once again it broke my heart.  Ive managed to make a room full of 7th and 8th grade students who look up to me and care about me cry.  I know its not my fault, but it made me feel like such a shitty person.  It is the worst feeling to hear the sadness in my students' voices when they are trying to wrap their heads around the fact that I cant come back on monday to teach them how to solve a proportion.  Ive lost sleep and have been sick to my stomach thinking about letting these kids down.  Its just not fair.

There is some positives though.  Today we went on a field trip to downtown Sacramento.  The students got taken home first and when we got back we were welcomed with a thank you dinner from the 8th graders.  The 8th graders took it upon themselves to introduce me up front on stage and they each told the room why they were thankful for having me teach this summer and how much they are going to miss me.  Yes...i cried again.  You would think I would be all out of tears, but somehow they keep flowin!  The teachers have been awesome in supporting me and making my last few days the best they can be.  Tomorrow is my last day with the kids.  We are visiting a college then going swimming.  Im just glad my last day happens to be 100% fun.